SheenaVision: April 2007

One Year Ago Tonight

Jim Morrison. Blood 'n guts. Washed down with Baby Chandon. Pretending NOT to be international counterfeiters.

http://sheenavision.blogspot.com/2006/04/eating-raul-offal-truth-about.html

If My Feet Stink it's Because I Kick Ass

Looking down at my hardened, pale Canadian winter feet this weekend and realized that something needed to be done. You see, Dear Reader, Sheena hops off to a Jamaican getaway on Wednesday and her Southern Bell travel companion is distinctly more high maintenance than I am. Yes, you heard right. I am not high maintenance.

This became crashingly clear when El Chaperone had to vaccuum up a trail of dried out skin flakes after my walk down the dark carpeted hallway.

My feet have often been a source of issues. Almost cutting off my big toe at age 7 by stepping on a broken beer bottle at the beach, passing out from blood loss, breaking the stitches the next day trying to go to the bathroom by myself, and living since that day with an ugly nubbly easily calloused scar. Never being able to get the hang of wearing socks. Not giving a shit about the risks of running barefoot day and night outside down back lanes and gravel parking lots and playing hide and seek at the plastic factory down the street that burnt down. Barefoot.

Didn't have my first pedicure until my 30s. Some years I keep it up - go every few weeks, touch it up at home. Other years - like the last one - I have just ignored my tootsies and avoided sandals.

This week I felt peer pressure to have nice toes and clean smooth heels. So I went to see the girl who rents a room in the basement of my hairdresser.

The soaking felt great. Trimming and cuticle poking made me feel girlie. And then she looked at the underside of my feet. Flipped them around with strong wristed authority.

"Your feet look tired", she concluded. I was a bit miffed. Who was she to judge. Bitch. But then she continued to buff and polish and slather and massage as though dispelling the tiredness was her own personal mission. She gave me shit about the dryness ("Look at this - I put on the heavy duty scream and [then she made a slurping sound] it's all sucked in!") and did my shoes fit properly and I felt guilted into a $12.50 additional purchase for a giant emery board to keep working on the worst spots when I got home this week. She seemed to love my feet more than I did and I wondered if that needed to change.

The colour I picked out was even prettier on me than in the bottle, a deep peaceful rose that made me smile. (Not giant yellow gitch magnitude of smile, but still pretty good).

El Chaperone loved it and offered to give me a foot massage if it would help keep it pretty. Maybe this will be one of those keep it up years.

The mirror never lies.

When I Look Up All I See Is A Giant Yellow Sunshine Smile

On the Queen streetcar earlier this week and something in the window at Katharine Mulherin gallery caught Sheena's attention. Had to go back and see if in fact I saw what I saw or if it was in my imagination.

Yes. There on the gallery wall was a gigantic pair of yellow gitch. Big old grandpa panties. I laughed. And looked again and laughed.

Then I chatted about what I had seen with some online acquaintances. And went back again a couple of nights later to look and take some pictures. And I laughed some more. Went for cocktails, and showed my pictures to the cronies at the bar. Laughed with them. Decided that no, these weren't gitch, they had clearly transited into well defined gotch territory.

Then it dawned on me that I think I wanted to buy the big giant yellow gitch. El Chaperone thought I was loco. But then I explained that looking at the man-panties made me happy. I laughed compulsively whenever I saw them and wouldn't that be nice to wake up everyday laughing and smiling. To walk into the room after a stressful day at work and immediately sprout an automatic grin. My house would always be a happy house if I bought the big stretched out dirty underpants. No one could ever be sad here again.

That is what art is all about.

I think I'm going to check the price.

Riding Home

Don't get dizzy.

Anyone Out There Looking for Great Looking Cans

Sheena recommends checking out The Local on Roncesvalles. As mentioned in Sheenavision passim, hearty pub fare, interesting and thoughtful beer choices, indifferent wine list, and friendly crew of staff and regulars.

And the trip to the can is fun.

Looking forward to next weekend when Sheena capitalizes on an invitation to do a local neighbourhood Roncey tour with one of the local businesswomen. I hope she doesn't regret extending her hospitality.

There Are Worse Things Than Being Alone

That Bukowski quote still in my head and reminded me of last week being delayed almost 4 hours at the Pittsburgh Airport with everything closing up after 2 hours and nobody for me to mock but myself.

Oh yeah, now I remember one of those worse things. These airport perogies. What the hell were they thinking putting fried cabbage in with the onions. These mutants were more fried ravioli than perogy. Ick. Not a recommendation.

Dashing to Pittsburgh

Name, Lady

Lunch and time to kill before hopping a cab to Boston Logan Airport, so stuck my head in the legendary bar, the Bukowski Tavern in Back Bay.

Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live.

A quiet moment to catch up on newspapers, take a deep breath and dechill from a busy week.

Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarmed with them.

Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement.
One of the best ladies rooms I've seen in a while. No free tampons, but very much a Sheenaesque decor.
If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose.

Genius might be the ability to say a profound thing in a simple way.

Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.

You begin saving the world by saving one person at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics.
Had the bacon and bleu cheese burger. Yummy. Tried the Harpoon Pale Ale followed by the Cambridge Brewing Spring Training IPA. Good choices both.

There are worse things than being alone.
The Tavern is famous for their Dead Authors Club. Basically one has to drink themselves through the 99 standard beer offerings on the menu within 6 months. Successful candidates get their own engraved numbered mug up on the bar with the name of their favourite dead author etched. They are running out of room though, so there is a waiting list apparently.

60 State Street

Dinner this week at the fabulous State Room at the top (35ish floor) of State Street in Boston. A bit of a landmark location, known for weddings, bar mitzvahs and other schmoozefests. Got there before dark, but hazy foggy rainy weather continues so hard to see. The old Customs building was lovely. Harbour drippy and romantic.

Had Dinner Menu #3 as per the corporate events selection listing:

Appetizer
Wild Mushroom Ravioli, Crispy Leeks Chiffonnade, Fresh Thyme and Chardonnay Sauce
Salad

STATE ROOM Signature Salad:
Baby Arugula, Endive, Gorgonzola, Spiced Walnuts, Granny Smith Apples, Aged Balsamic Vinaigrette

Entree
*Grilled Filet Mignon au Jus (4 different preparations of filet - Please ask your sales manager)

Dessert
Vanilla Bean Crème Brulee; Freshly Brewed Coffees & Herbal Teas

No original pics, because.. well, I'm not THAT nerdy and pathetic.

Anorexic Baked Potatoes

Glad Sheena wasn't the only one. Though Sheena spouted off a cheeseburger analogy, that blogger from Milwaukee nailed the more accurate visual.

Sitting in the hotel lobby mid afternoon and Boston Marathon finishers come limping and dragging themselves past the wine bar. Brutal wind and rain last night into today. Gotta give it to them. Incredible fitness levels on the lot. Thin, muscled, ascetic looking. Wonder if they hate themselves more than the curvy and indulgent around them.

The more I think about this, the more I wonder why we celebrate this. The original marathon runner died upon completion of his trip. Why is this extremity somehow good and pure and virtuous? Imagine these scenarios and tell me everything is normal.

Sheena: I like this bottle of wine.
Marathoner: Me too, so I'm going to drink 26 bottles in one day.

Sheena: What a lovely tender filet.
Marathoner. Damn straight. Bring me the whole loin and a bucket of bearnaise sauce.

Sheena: I think I might pierce my navel.
Marathoner: I'm going to rivet the alphabet across my buttocks.

Dedication? Or Destructive? Commitment or should be committed? Tomato - Tomahto.

Things That Make Sheena Wish She Had Lightening Bolts That Shot Out Of Her Eyeballs

Very very noisy empty airport moving sidewalks moving nobody whatsoever just clanking in my head making me crazy and angry
Airport bars that close 2 hours before your flight leaves no matter what passenger requirements are
Patrons at Pittsburgh airport sports bars showing NHL playoffs who are unable to accept your undeniable Ottawaesque superiority.
Free wireless that tempts you into complacency until you get a failed VPN connection you cocksucker
Getting totally hosed on buying weekend getaway tickets to Jamaica and having to pay a $30 delivery fee for a paper fucking ticket the likes of which I have not had to deal with in this goddamn century.
Remembering that I'm doing this for a good pal and gorgeous female professional who needs her ass kicked in the man ho department.
For forgetting my digital camera USB cord and either will have to buy a new one this week or will have to delay my blogger and youtube upload gratifications. Including a new DH-8 turbo prop take off video that I know a certain Saskish lefty boy will totally get off on.
Is that a dangling participle? get off on?

Patent Pending

Sitting with cocktail in hand at the Melody Bar at the Gladstone Hotel and Sheena turns to up and coming urban artist/social critic Jeks and says "you know what"?

Jeks: What

Sheena: I have figured out what the world's most odourless substance is.

Jeks: What

Sheena: Snot

Jeks: Why

Sheena: Because it has zero smell. If snot had a smell you'd smell it all day long and it would drive you crazy.

Jeks: You're right.

Sheena: I know.

Jeks: You know, that would make a cost-effective and environmentally friendly deoderant. From this day forward, I'm just going to pick my nose and wipe it under my arms.

Sheena: Good thinking.

And Tomorrow Night, We're Making Silk Purses

Slowly seeing a light at the end of the leftover tunnel after the Easter weekend porktacular.

In the comments section of my Sunday post, expressed an obsessive desire to find an easy recipe for Pulled Pork sandwiches. My unhelpful readership failed to deliver on my plea, so was left to my own devices.

Was way way easier than I thought. Here I was making a list to buy some apple cider vinegar and molasses and shit and my laziness-inspired approach ended up delivering the goods.

Take a fork and shred about a cup of pork into little stringy bits (maybe a tad more, depending on how big your bread slices are and how thick you want to stack the sandwich). Or as I instructed El Chaperone by phone this afternoon as I carpooled my way back into the city "So what do you think... can you pull the pork until I get home? Can you occupy yourself by pulling pork for an hour"?

Warm it up in a medium sized frying pan, adding about 1/4 cup of decent BBQ sauce. Adjust accordingly to how wet and sloppy you like it. Sheena used Canadian Club flavoured that she bought at the Swan River Co-Op last summer.

Warm it up until heated through.

Stack it up on squishy white bread and dig out some napkins.

Served tonight with a Niagara EastDell Black Cab (baco noir/cabernet sauvignon). Good everyday barbeque/pasta wine. Not expensive and decent food wine that goes down easy. Remember, if you're going to drink medicore cheap wine, at least do the honourable thing and drink local mediocre cheap wine.

Oink oink.

This Little Piggy Never Had a Chance...

Before:

For months now Sheena has wanted to do this. An out-of-town houseguest and Easter weekend provided the perfect excuse. Previous raves about Alex Rei Dos Leitoes at Ossington & Dundas W have been very chicken-centric. Yesterday we moved into the 4-legged category. I called around 11am for a 5pm pickup. Watched little piggy being lovingly and carefully hand-dissected by a skilled young gentleman behind the counter.

After:

Served it with some steamed veggies, mashed potatoes with homemade gravy. The little porker was amazingly tender. Delicious, succulent, and well... bountiful. Pretty clear what will be going into lunches & dinner for the rest of the week. And let's face it, the expresssions on the faces of my guests really was worth every penny.

Don't forget to brush your teeth after every meal!

1:46am Recap and Recollection

Pat: So what colour was your Slurpee last night Sheena? Ya drunk Slurpee slurpin' taquito eatin' lush......

Sheena: Oh fuck. I forgot I called you Pat. Oops. I didn't get a Slurpee. Just a taquito. 2 I think. Shit. Let me go check my camera. Now I'm scared.

Sheena: My cell phone says the call was at 1:46am. Sorry!

Spy: lol an actual drunk dial captured!

Sooey: Wow. Good thing you HAVE a cell phone, Sheena.

Sheena: I know. Some how drunk postcards just don't have the same wake-up-the-house-at-2am-for-no-good-reason cachet.

Pat: All I really heard was "smschlupee s'pineapple Mmm..tacquitoes...wtf is that? hahahahah....mermle mermle..lala..hahahah..oh my God that's so funny".....click.

More FUH2

Was a little grossed out to hear that indeed some Canadians are still stupid enough to consider buying the dirty disgusting wasteful monstrosities branded as "Hummers". Souped up Chevy Tahoes for the small dicked and more money than brains demographic. (Sorry TK, that's just the way it is).

Time to revisit one of my favourite sites, F.U H-2.

The H2 is the ultimate poseur vehicle. It has the chassis of a Chevy Tahoe and a body that looks like the original Hummer; i.e. it's a Chevy Tahoe in disguise.

The H2 is a gas guzzler. Because it has a gross vehicle weight rating over 8500 lbs, the US government does not require it to meet federal fuel efficiency regulations. Hummer isn't even required to publish its fuel economy (owners indicate that they get around 10 mpg for normal use). So while our brothers and sisters are off in the Middle East risking their lives to secure America's fossil fuel future, H2 drivers are pissing away our "spoils of victory" during each trip to the grocery store.

Valentine's Day, Huntington Beach, California:
More from same day:

St. Patrick's Day, St. Augustine, Florida:

Very Special Family Easter Quiz

Gather round the fire, get the kids settled in and pull up the old armchair for gramps. This is the first time that my Mom has sent me material (in the form of a hand-written 5 page letter, because Sheena's Mom doesn't do the innerdnets).

After spending a week babysitting HER mom (Sheena's Baba), she wrote "You and your sister inspired me and when I was in Winnipeg I made a list of the things I lned from my mother this week, so I'm enclosing a copy for you. Enjoy!! I don't have a copyright on it, so you're free to use any parts of it as you see fit" Her piece is titled "List of Things I Learned From My Mother This Week - AKA Lies My Mother Told me As Her Dementia Slowly Sets In..."

So Sheena has decided to mix this up a little bit and give her readers a challenge. Sharpen up your pencils!

Who Said It Quiz?

1. My neighbours across the street messed up their snow and were jealous that mine was so clean so they put big chunks of mud beside my driveway on the snowbank.

a) Ann Coulter
b) David Warren
c) Sheena's Crazy Baba

2. "Never buy clothes at Value Village because someone died in them".

a) Jeanne Beker
b) Leah McLaren
c) Sheena's Crazy Baba

3. "Don't invite too many people for dinner because there will be a lot of dishes to wash and water costs a lot of money".

a) Al Gore
b) David Suzuki
c) Sheena's Crazy Baba

4. "The new immigrants all have 10 children so that they can take over our country"

a) Mark Steyn
b) Michael Coren
c) Sheena's Crazy Baba

5. "Put bread, cookies and pies in a big pile on the kitchen counter and cover with a tea towel so they don't dry out from the light".

a) Martha Stewart
b) Heloise
c) Sheena's Crazy Baba

6. "When cooking, put the pot on the back burner and turn on both front and back burners. It will heat up faster".

a) Mary Jo Eustace
b) Rachel Ray
c) Sheena's Crazy Baba

7. "I've had a terrible life because I had a bunch of kids and what good is that"

a) Rebecca Eckler
b) Angelina Jolie
c) Sheena's Crazy Baba

8. "The next door neighbours carry off pails of water from my outside tap to water their flowers"

a) Richard Nixon
b) Stephane Dion
c) Sheena's Crazy Baba

9. "If you wear a bra over a t-shirt, it's warmer"

a) Stephen Harper
b) Ezra Levant
c) Sheena's Crazy Baba

10. "My daughter's TV is connected to her photocopier and she has printed every book in her house".

a) Bill Gates
b) Raymi's Mom
c) Sheena's Crazy Baba

26 Hours in SheenaVilleLand

· 6pm - head down to meet pal in the hotel lobby.
· 6:05pm - see gaggle of greasy blacksuited muscle with wired earlobes milling about aimlessly
· 6:07pm - ask what the hell is going on
· 6:08pm - Bellman says "Oh, Prime Minster is here. He should be out in about 5 minutes.
· 6:09pm - head outside and see several black towncars with cherries on top. Decide to wait to get some pictures and strive to breath the same air as our dear leader

· 6:20pm - say "awww fukkit" and get bored of waiting, knowing that our other dining companions are expecting us in 10 minutes and the cabby is getting antsy.
· 11pm - turn in
· 5:00am - wakeup call
· 5:45am - in the taxi to airport. Hangar 32
· 7:00am - official notice that our aircraft can't land here because of low ceiling, but that they can get cleared in Hamilton so hop in white stretch limo to Hamilton toute suite
· 7:50am - Take the seat facing backwards because I've never done a take-off that way.
· 9:30am - land in Dulles and have the customs experience of a life time. Pre cleared, didn't even stick his head in the door
· 9:35am - climb into blinged out black limo for ride into Arlington VA.
· 10:00am - 5pm - yakkity yakkity yak
· 5:05 pm - back into blingmobile
· 5:45pm - hang out in the well-appointed luxe Dulles Landmark FBO lounge while pilot makes his phone call.

· 6:10 pm- take off, ensuring appropriate separation from the 777 in front of us.
· 6:40pm - crack open a cold Heineken and tell my Conrad Black encounter story. Hilarity ensues.
· 7:30pm - another customs clearance dream date. Didn't even have to get up.
· 7:35pm - in the cab back to pick up my luggage
· 8pm - sitting having a glass of wine in the Greyhound Bus depot bar. Listening to minimum wage roughnecks talk about upcoming hernia surgery. Tip well. Get in line outside for the 8:45 back to Toronto. Balance regained.

These Guys are the Cat's Ass

Last Thursday night at the Dakota where Run With The Kittens have a thing for the next couple of Thursdays. Gawd these guys are such good fun. Bought the new CD "Condos and Lofts". Good loungy fun that we listened to while eating our $32 steaks the following night.

Some Sheena pics, and a link to pics from that same night on the band site:

Remember that Prof who Totally Bugged Your Ass in First Year?

Not much else on a Sunday afternoon than to peruse the Universities section of the Ontario Public Sector Salary Disclosures. Surprised to see some of the more media-savvy philosopher kings turn up a little on the slacker side compared to some of their peers.

Next step is a full cross referencing with the Hotness rankings

over at RateMyProfessor.com and Sheena just might have herself a new sideline selling lists of good looking smart rich guys to wannabe trophy wives and stalkers who are too busy to do their own legwork.