Tuesday, December 26, 2006

How to Have a Bachelor's Christmas

1. Purchase a turkey in a box. The President's Choice EZ-Carve is a good example of this. It includes a plastic pouch of gravy concentrate (just add hot water and stir!) as well as pre-stuffed stuffing. Ignore rude comments from guests when they ask why the turkey has no bones. Pretend to not hear the tangential discussion about industrial breeding practices and whether in fact if agricultural science has successfully cross-bred slugs and turkeys to create a slurkey that is tender enough to be carved with just a steely intentful glare.

2. Remember that $15 dollar cheeses DO NOT GO INTO THE FRIDGE just because they're at room temperature and we aren't starting the munchies for another 30 minutes.

3. Dishes used for just transferring clear liquids from one location to another do not actually need to be washed. Just shake 'em a bit and put them back into the cupboard.

4. While you may get 'oohs' and 'ahhs' with the professional presentation of dark chocolate/fruit fondue for dessert, the real post-meal entertainment will be smelling the blue gel fondue fuel. Discussions will follow the napalmesque path to its unfortunate conclusion. (Remove pets from the room). Compare the relative size of the dead spot you feel behind your forehead. Explore the possible range of ignition sources should a SuperSoaker be available.

5. Be careful when seating winos at the table. Particularly when two wine drinkers with fiercely nationalistic leanings are in the room. Remind the other guests that Robert Parker doesn't use tasting expressions like ass-crack, dingo-piss, goalie cup or eau de kangaroo pouch.

6. It is encouraged to respect other cultural traditions, so after the 8th bottle of wine, bring out the candles and build your own interpretation of a menorah.

7. It is often recommended to invite at least 1 female guest to ensure that conversations that veer too far down the path of family amputation stories, military arcania, mass multiplayer video games and/or Sci-Fi Cons can be brought back into the realm of non-nerdity in preparation for any possible chance of gettin' some on New Years Eve.

Merry Christmas to All Sheena's Favourite Bachelors. And thanks for a great night.

Next Year: Turducken, done redneck garage-sized deep fryer style somewhere in south Georgia...


At 5:29 PM, Blogger The Imp ;-) said...

Thanx to y'all for coming over... You've cured my intentions to entertain, for at least another two years. ;-) I'm kidding of course.

11 bottles of wine, and the half bottle of fortified shiraz.

At 7:33 PM, Anonymous Fenderbender said...

you fortified the shriraz with blue gel fondue fuel?

At 10:32 AM, Anonymous evita said...

Instructions for an Ottawa based bachelorette style christmas dinner:
1. Butterball Frozen Stuffed Turkey
2. Lots of wine
3. Friends, only, no relatives allowed
4. Tell relatives you are out of town to ensure #3 is followed
5. Lots of wine
6. Tell friends dinner is at 4 so they arrive early enough to cook all the stuff that goes with the turkey
7. Drop lots of stuff while in kitchen so friends eventually send you off to look for a gravy boat just to get you out of the way (we all know I definitely have no such gadget)
8. Let kids eat first (excuse to drink that wine)
9. Eat turkey that is ready 2 hours after it was supposed to be
10. Make sure guest are seated when you bring out the desserts that you actually made (lest they fall over from shock or drunkeness).
Drink and be Merry cause all though we bitterly complain and dread this time of year, we are at least still here.

At 3:44 PM, Anonymous scout said...

cheeerist....only sheena. nice post, sistah.

famous stupid people on again.

At 1:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a Georgian, I still look forward to my first deep fried turkey action. The converted are all "can I get a witness" about it being the bee's knees and be all, end all of turkeyness.

Sounds like your Ho Ho Ho dinner was very merry, even with your land of misfit toy folk.


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