Monday, May 26, 2008

Maxed Out


Sheena has not owned a car since Spring 2006 and is quite pleased to continue in this current state of affairs. She rents, at least once a month, for both work and pleasure, usually from Avis, where they love her and kiss her pretty little feet every time she traipses down the jetway, with the privilege to skip the lineups intended for the unwashed and with frequent unrequested upgrades to lure her into the kind of longterm exclusive commitment she has yet to bestow on any man.

This weekend, however, they overstepped. A simple request for a utility vehicle for a weekend of hauling and carrying and loading of all and sundry awkward and often dirty bulky things turned into a jaw dropping string of expletives as she saw her name card attached to this monstrosity

The Ford Expedition "MAX":

Fuel Tank Capacity (L) 106L

CO2 EMISSIONS
Expedition XLT
No data available at the moment.

FUEL CONSUMPTION
Expedition XLT
No data available at the moment.


I drove around ashamed all weekend. Sitting alone in a house when pulled up beside a Smart Car. Able to crush the Vespa with one ill timed door open.

After using 2/3rds of a tank, and watching the gas pump hit the $80 mark and still keep flowing, suddenly the smell of gas turned to the stench of death and I imagined the dozens of litres of blood I had just consumed and Sheena felt sick.

32 Comments:

At 6:16 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

Kinda know how you feel ...

Ok, some people need an SUV for work or family capacity, but often it is a wasteful attempt at conspicuous opulence, or a penal-substute.

Penal-substitute. Is that a word?
Well , it is now ...

While I wasn't embarrassed by driving my ex's SUV because it was an SUV, I was embarrassed because it was a Nissan.

I guess I'm just a home-grown patriotic kinda guy...

Sure, foreign makes have token plants here, but their cheaper labour sources and prices are putting American auto companies into a tailspin.

It can be validly argued, that in the Eighties, foreign quality and standards caused the US companies to get their shit together, but the level of quality today, is close to par.

At least your truck was a Ford.

I drive a mid-sized Dodge, and will continue to buy American and Canadian.

 
At 6:28 PM, Blogger Sheena said...

Nationalism does not trump inefficiency and wasteful disconnect from market needs.

Your comment smacks of protectionism not rational use of limited resources.

Here we part company, Midnight.

 
At 6:29 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

Yeah, Asian and Chinese, relative slave labour.

Now THERE's the stench of death, and litres of blood, for ya...

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger Sheena said...

And while you probably meant "penile" ... "penal-substitute" is an amusing freudian slip for those who are imprisoned by the pretty metal and wooden boxes in which many suburbanites invest their hard earned dollars.

 
At 6:31 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

If you re-read my comment, I'll see that I drive a mid-size, and don't or won't ever need an SUV.

 
At 6:44 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

Should read :

'If you'll re-read my comment, you'll see that I drive a mid-size (car), and don't and won't ever need an SUV.'

Hope you had an otherwise great week-end.

And my, you're in a fine jousting spirit.

Cheers, Sheena.

Midnight

 
At 6:51 PM, Blogger Antonia Z said...

How the hell did we have bigger families in the 1950s and no SUVs or minivans?

True, cars were bigger then. Much bigger even. But they weren't bloody trucks.

I used to think the Cadillac Escalade -- I call it Esplanade -- was big. The other day, I saw something bigger parked in front of it. It was a Buick Enclave, a luxury SUV big enough to house a family of six.

 
At 7:02 PM, Blogger Sheena said...

I don't geddit, Zed.
When did people at some point in this generation become so squirrely over personal space?

 
At 7:03 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

Delta 88's ...

47 feet, stem to stern...

Remember hopping into one, in the Seventies, after work (part-time, on the freight docks) while in high school), and this Newfie Gentleman had a garbage can (the tall, thin kind) lined with a triple garbage bag, sitting on the floor behind the front seats and the back seats.

Have loved Newfies ever since.

Actually, my first real (sex) girlfriend was from Cornerbrook...

 
At 7:06 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

Ooops, the garbage can was full of beer and ice, of course...

Didn't want you to think I was/am easily impressed...

 
At 7:07 PM, Blogger Sheena said...

Once a girl's acquired the taste for seal flipper pie they never go back.

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger Sheena said...

oh.

what did the seal pup say when he walked into the bar?


"Anything but a Canadian Club".

 
At 7:14 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

You're fuckin' hilarious, Sheena.

Good thing Old Squid isn't reading this... he'd be milking the ice...

 
At 7:20 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

Btw, you gonna answer the multiple-choice?

 
At 7:36 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

And is that a lake near Waterloo, in the SUV picture?

Nice mountainous horizon...

Or are those, cod-fillets, hangin' and drying, in the Sun, in the bottom-right corner, behind the bumper?

 
At 9:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG sis - that joke made me spray club soda thru my nose. The bits of lemon especially sting.

Well the only thing I can saw for your gas whorism is that at least it was a Ford.

 
At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

And Btw, Sheena, shouldn't that be 'Zee', not 'Zed'?

Antonia 'Zed', just doesn't have the same SIZZLE,

as Antonia ZEE .......

 
At 2:21 AM, Blogger rgraham666 said...

Yipe! That thing looks more suited for an expedition to the South Pole than a weekend of hauling stuff.

I was going to say North Pole but I don't think that tank is that amphibious. ;)

 
At 2:21 AM, Anonymous Saskboy said...

The last time I rented, the last vehicle available was a Buick Rendevous. Gas was a superhigh $1.139 then. I don't like SUVs. It worked out better with something than nothing, but I was *this* close to taking nothing over that Buick.

 
At 2:46 AM, Anonymous Midnight said...

If we all drove 88's ,

or Eldorados , we couldn't help

but be so much cooler ...


(See Sheena's video collection , specifically 'The Cardigans' video, 'My Favourite Game, in the Sheenavision You-Tube section, of your Sheenavision Chanel.).


Midnight

 
At 2:54 AM, Anonymous Midnight said...

Now THERE's , a Freudian slip ,

I can live with .

 
At 5:36 AM, Anonymous Midnight said...

A Zen master (can't presently remember who), once wrote :

'It is amazing , what you can get ,

out of Life ,

if you simply , ask for it .'

 
At 10:05 AM, Blogger Chuckercanuck said...

I too Sheena am one of Avis' most cherished clients. I too get awarded upgrades that increase my fuel bill on my last stop before dropping the beast off.

But minivans? ahhh... now there's paradise on wheels.

 
At 10:17 AM, Blogger Leatherhands said...

I swear by my Toyota Echo; best car I've ever had and I will drive it into the ground. Holds both my kids in the back, and has a decent sized trunk. Runs on the smell of an oil rag. (Anyone remember that old radio ad?)

 
At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Fenderbender said...

the irony had they presented you with the keys of a Hummer (not those new ones built on a VW Micro Bus platform) but the version 1

 
At 6:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's one Sexy Uteral Vehicle .. but a 110 lb. chick all by herself in a 5000 lb yank tank ...wellll ...!!!???

 
At 7:36 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

Be careful what you wish for , Anon .

She's FIERY , and FEISTY .

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger stageleft said...

Tell ya what, I know a way to make it all right.... I gots a shiny red sport bike that gets 53.55mpg (US gal) - the next time yer in Ottawa we'll go riding in the open air on a bright sunny day, we'll look cool (well, actually you already look cool but I don't mind looking cool by association, come to think of it that's about the only way I can look cool).... and you can pay for the gas.. no ... really ... don't thank me... it's the very least I can do :-)

 
At 7:57 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

The things we do ... to conjure , Sheena ...

 
At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Midnight said...

But he that dares not grasp the thorn

Should never crave the rose .


--- Anne Bronte

 
At 3:36 AM, Anonymous Midnight said...

A Fiery clash

A Lightning exchange

Metal on Metal .


Thank you , Sheena .

Midnight Tango

 
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