The Lost Art of Church Basement Cuisine

When was the last time you ate a pinwheel sandwich?

With tuna and pickles, with egg salad and canned black olives, with cream cheese and maraschino cherries out of a jar. This weekend Sheena learned the fundamentals of a dying art - Catering a Church Lady Tea.

It all starts with the bread. In Winnipeg, sometimes you can buy pinwheel sandwich bread at the grocery store, but to be safe you can pre-order it. Long loaves of white and whole wheat, cut horizonally into long strips. It was up to us to cut off the crusts. No-o-o-o-o-o-body will eat a pinwheel sandwich with crusts. Cripes, where's your head, man.



Now, the first decision is where to put the bread when the resident companion animal decides to jump up and check out the tuna salad. Don't worry. In the Old Country, cat ass hair in the sandwich is considered good luck. First tip of the day is not to waste too much money on the bubbly for mimosas. Second is to use a rolling pin to flatten down the bread (not totally squished) before spreading the filling. Keeps the bread from getting too soggy and makes it nice and springy for later rolling.

Spear of red pepper, pickle {{shudder}} or slice olives end-to-end at the top of the bread, and then roll. Roll it like you mean it. Nice and tight, placing it seam-side down on the plate when it's done. Get a cousin to wrap it up in Saran Wrap. Put 'em all on a big tray when they're done. If there's no room in the fridge, stick 'em in the porch overnight.


When it's time to take them over to the tea the next day, pile them gently into a big bag and put them in the back seat of the truck, taking care not to squish them or sit on them. Take them downstairs to the ping-pong table and gently unwrap them. While still cold, slice them into about 6 pinwheels per roll. Spread them out nice and pretty on a platter on top of a paper doily. Eat the ugly ones. Pick out any cat ass hair that is visible to the naked eye. If the fridge is full again, just stick the platters outside on the patio swing. Cover it up in case the squirrels are out.

When the guest of honour arrives, yell "Surprise". And enjoy.